I continue to think about this subject. Unforgiveness is one of the major hindrances that can hinder your healing. Listen to what Jesus says in Mark 11:25-26. "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and [let it drop](leave it, let it go), in order that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings." Happy New Year 2011, I still think this an important message! A quote by Author: Tami Hoag 2007... What purpose does it serve to hold that anger? What good does it do? Hatred is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die of it."

An Opinion... Isn't it amazing that almost everyone has an opinion to offer about the bible (as well as other subjects), and yet so few have studied it (or the subject)? R. C. Sproul, If only one would read before speaking, they would not look so foolish. Yet, I don't want to get in anyone's face... so I keep dropping hints. Does it help? I hope so...)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tomorrow is my biopsy... yes!

Finally, the wait for my biopsy is over.  In reality I guess I should admit it hasn't been that long.  But, for me... an eternity.  I have been having difficultly passing the time.  I have so many interests, that passing time should be no problem.  But one has to be focused to be creative, and I haven't been that in the past few days.  I am not afraid of the process, but I "sort of" do wish the doctor could give me something to sleep while probing my body with a size 20 needle.  I know it is important to stay awake so that I can follow the breathing directions, but really... it is a bit nervewracking.  I think I will lay there and design a quilt top in my head.

Now I get to do the fun "fasting" part, beginning this evening.  So, between now and tonight I find myself looking to raid the refrigerator, shelves, and anything else that may hold something good to eat.  And since I have been working at reducing my diet cola intake, there is none in the house!    I admit it, I am a diet cola junkie.  This has been the most difficult diet change for me to work on. 

As I said before, this biopsy can be a 50% breeze, or a 50% problem.  I am going for the "breeze" and planning to be in and out of the hospital in hours.  Then, I can have the rest of the week/weekend to visit with both of my children (James and Tina) in one city.  Tina is flying up for the biopsy, but I really think it is an excuse so that she can go to one of Brandon's (James' son) football games.  We all love to watch his fast pace, focused playing while on the football field.  Thank goodness he is only fourteen, and has several years of playing that will give us enjoyable entertainment. 

While in California Kayla (Jason's daughter) plays soccer, and I don't get to see that unless I happen to be on a visit to San Jose.  Wouldn't it be nice if the airlines gave special prices to grandparents/family members who want to attend sports events?  Ha ha.

I will drive to  the Tri-Cities tomorrow. Then off to the hospital to do labs, afterwards readying myself for the biopsy.  I am driving myself so that Tina will have transportation after flying in.  Anyway, I am planning on the day turning out just fine... good food afterwards... and plenty of visiting thru the weekend.  All in agreement say "aye."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Saturday was a good day!

Yesterday, while waiting for Thursday to come, was a good day!  Junior picked me up in Royal City and we drove to Kennewick for Brandon's football game.  Before the game Brandon mentioned a large player on the other team, hmmm.  The game went on for a long time before anyone scored, and guess who made the touchdown?  Brandon #5!  It was a good play, he did other stuff too, but this grandma doesn't know the names of the moves (oops, I am regressing to James' wrestling days).  I guess in football it is plays.  Another touchdown by a teammate and they won the game 12-0, yes!  After the game Brandon stayed at the field with friends, while James, BeeAnna, Junior and I went to Famous Daves for a great lunch and visit.  Never too old to learn something, James educated me in how to order my lunch.  Per James, it is redundent to say Cod Fish, as everyone knows Cod is fish.  I asked then why is Cat Fish listed directly above.  Well, duh... If I just said cat that would be totally different than getting a variety of fish, and also hamburger isn't ordered Hamburger Cow is it?  Learn something new from my intellectual son all of the time. ha ha. 

So now, it is Sunday and I have 4 1/2 days to wait until the biopsy. 

I am not really stressed like panic setting in.  But my body is stressed because I can't get to sleep until really late.  I have tried the Ambien, sure doesn't work on me like it does in the advertisements.  So, I called again, and was given Lorazapam.  Have tried it, and I still have a difficult time shutting my brain down and going to sleep.  I think I will give up on prescriptions to sleep and just go with the flow... probably healthier anyway.  Also, I can't concentrate long enough to work on a project, read book, watch TV, so I just skip from one thought to another.  At the same time, I feel comfortable that I am in the Lord's hands.  That is what is important to me right now, how I really feel.  And I know what is in my heart. 

Friday, September 24, 2010


Ms. Droopy

Haven't been sleeping well.  It seems my brain doesn't want to shut down.  During the day I can keep busy, which occupies my brain.  But, at night when all is quiet, I can't stop the endless thinking. Called my primary doctor, as he has prescribed all of my other medications, and asked if there was something else I could take to help me mentally shut down for a while.  Sometimes I do not react to medicines like the normal person does. He prescribed me Lorazapam... has it helped me yet?  No.  It is like when I have been prescribed Vicodin, don't even get tired... while my sister is in slumberland while on Vicodin.  So, during the night I read so that my thoughts are on the last passages. If that doesn't work, I have turned the TV on to something I will not get interested in, of course that often backfires.  And that's bad when I have it turned onto a pre-teen program.  Get up walk around, snack (which is a no no, both for eating at that time and allowing myself to become totally alert) and go back to bed with clear thoughts.  Each of these work some of the time, but not all of the time.  Finally, I get out my pen and paper and write endless "to do" lists.  Just too much information given to me these past weeks to not allow my brain to be passive. Until I know what type of cancer I have, I can't even begin to think of more research on type, treatments, cure rates, etc.  So, another thing I have to wait on until after waiting for the biopsy, and then the wait for my appointment to the urologist so that he can give me the results of the biopsy.  Wait, anticipate, expect, action in abeyance... no matter how you sugar coat it, the time is stressful.  Yes, I am working on my new virture... patience.  It just isn't showing yet.  (ha ha)        

I am researching better insurance coverage.  Since I am in a contract, I can't even speak to an agent until the window during October and part of November.  Then, the new coverage will not take effect until my current contract runs out, December 31st at midnight.  When I took out the plan I have, it was not clear to me the real difference between a Medicare Advantage Plan and a Medicare Supplement Plan.  Studying these, and the premiums, co-pays, deductibles, taking into consideration my pre-existing conditions... to say the least it is a lot of research and timing to contemplate.  If one is in my position, I cannot stress enough that keeping on top of this type issue is important!  Become familiar with the employees in the billing/finance department of your doctor(s) and hospital.  Keeping in contact with them will help reduse a lot of heartache later. 
Soon to come...  Ms. Droopy no more!
I'm working on it...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Finally, an appointment with the radiologist...

My sister (Gloria) and I arrived early for my appointment (09/21) with Dr. Kasthuri, Radiologist, M.D.  If the appointment wasn't so frightening, it could be laughable in a hysterical/manic way.

Dr. Kasthuri explained, with visuals, the details of my problem.  In short, my right kidney is much larger than the left with a mass inside.  Also, there is a mass surrounding the lymph node and artery just outside the kidney.  This artery feeds the leg, heart and lungs.  The needle biopsy, due to the mass, artery and location is difficult and dangerous.  Okay, that notched up my adrenalin!  Going into the kidney, where the needle would need to go, is risky too.  It is a must to do this biopsy.  Doctors need to determine what the mass is, so that the appropriate treatment will be determined. 

Today I was told that I have a 50% chance of the biopsy turning out good.  But, during the procedure if the artery is nipped, the doctor will have to rush me into surgery.  A stint will have to be placed into the artery to stop major blood flow.  Dr. Kasthuri again warned me that there is a 50% chance of this outcome. 

Now, my adrenalin is notched up another level, and I have to wait nine days!  Ugh... that word "wait."  As I was leaving the doctor asked me if I wanted a sedative during this procedure... "oh yeah..."

So, with all of this, you are wondering what I considered laughable (hysteric/manic laugh).  Keep in mind that Gloria and I were pretty stressed when we started laughing.  From what I understand Dr. Chavla sent my case to Dr. Kasthuri to review and take on the biopsy.  He felt it was dangerious, and like a hot potato tossed it back to Dr. Chavla.  Again it was returned to Dr. Kasthuri, who in turn tried to interest other of his colleagues.  Everyone turned my case back to Dr. Kasthuri.  Evendentally, this is the man in this area to turn to with risky cases such as this. 

As I was being told about this, I felt like I was the hot potato in the children's game toss the potato.  When everyone had a turn at tossing, Dr. Kasthuri ended up with it again and note "tag you're it."

That is the rest of my story for 09/21, and why I have waited so long for a call back and appointment.  The biopsy is scheduled for Thursday, 09/30, 2:00 p.m. at Kadlec.

A sweet treat !
Please keep me in prayer.  I have not only been praying for healing (white ice cream), but for coping skills (strawberry ice cream , emotional stability(chocolate ice cream), a positive focus (chocolate syrup), and being a faithful witness during this season in my life (cherry on top!).

Friday, September 17, 2010

Finally, a call.  On Monday (09/13) I received a call from the doctor's office ("another" doctor involved Dr. Kasthuri) that is going to do my biopsy (needle CT Scan guided).  Tuesday (09/21) at 10:45 a.m. I go in for a consultation.  I guess that is when it will be confirmed how my biopsy will be done.  I thought... another week, ugh!  While waiting, I have been reading information on this procedure.  Some people like to remain ignorant to what is going on, I need to know.  I don't like what I hear/read, but at least I have some idea of what to expect.  I am praying for a minimum of difficulty in this test, and for good results.

On another topic... Lesson I learned...
While at the Wenatchee hospital this week, I had an interesting experience.  This happens all of the time, but until you are affected not much notice is taken.  While in the waiting area at the hospital (there for my brother-in-law's surgery) a lady sitting nearby spoke to me.  She seemed tired, frustrated, you know the routine after several days in a hospital waiting area.  Well, she needed to talk and that she did.  It was her time to vent these past months with her mother, the cancer, surgery, chemo, doctor visits, pain, burden on the family, etc.  I didn't want to be mean, but "whoa" I did not need to hear this right now.  I asked her nicely if we could change the subject, then immediately went into a gardening conversation.  I guess that she felt awkward after that, made a brief comment and excused herself to go back to her mother's room. 

I learned that unless I know the person I am talking to, take care with what you discuss.  Words can be uplifting, as well as bring sorrow and gloom .  This lady had no idea what my circumstances were,  she just needed to talk.  I, on the other hand, still hear her words telling me of the burden of time and effort, the expense she is experiencing, the drain on her family, etc. her mother's cancer has been.   I have a difficult time asking for help anyway, and this really affected me. 

Sunday, September 12, 2010


On Friday I was pacing the floor, waiting for a phone call from the doctor.  I decided to drive to the Tri Cities, the church (World Life Christian Center in Pasco [Tri Cities]) is having a conference this week.  I didn't think I would be able to attend due to my proposed appointments and Allen's surgery.  As it turns out the wait on my appointments worked out so that I could attend Friday and Saturday night conference.  This conference was days filled with wonderful music, and speakers who were faithful as well as entertaining.  This was what I needed... encouragement!  Friday night was great, visited with people I had not seen in a while, and my mind  was on faith, healing prayer and not on "waiting" for the doctor to call.

Football... Colt's grid kid team.
Saturday a.m.  first Colts football game of the 2010 season in Kennewick (Tri Cities).  I love watching Brandon play football.  He is so focused, fast on his feet and knows the game.  Not sure how many of his games I am going to be able to attend, I made sure to attend this one.  It was a close game with Brandon getting a touchdown, blocks, etc. as well as a gashed finger, and bruised & scraped arm.  The games will be on DVD, courtesy of his parents, so I will get to watch the other games from home.   I like re-runs so it won't matter that I already know who wins the game.  I felt so great, after the game Brandon actually didn't mind being seen taking a picture with me, and he introduced me to his friends.  So... another great diversion to the "waiting game."

Stayed another day in Tri Cities and went last night (Saturday) to the WLCC conference again.  Drove back to Royal City this morning.  Thought I lost my cell phone and panic set in... how can the doctor call me with my proposed biopsy day/time if I don't have my phone... after a search located it and now I wait... again.  I hope that the training I am going thru right now will help be become the docile, patient person I always strived to be.  Okay, all of you who know me stop laughing NOW! 

The rest of this coming week will be "in transit" between Royal City, Wenatchee and hopfully going back to Tri Cities for a biopsy.

Help me, not hinder me, please...

I have been spending hours on the computer trying to understand what this cancer is all about, how to fight it, causes, etc. In doing this research, I find myself wanting to write this...

Please... help me. I have read enough to know that "I" did everything other than smoking to cause this cancer.  Did I mean to, no.  Nevertheless, I did.

What I need now is help fighting this cancer and all varieties of support (prayer, emotional, physical, a shoulder, place to vent, etc.) that can be given me.  What I don't need now, even if I deserve it, is "I told you so"; "Didn't I tell you that would someday hurt you?"; etc.  Look into this blog and find sites to go to, or stand-alone pages that tell of poor choices.  If you do, there is information we can all learn from.

If nothing else, I want to get information out to friends, relatives, anyone who will listen of what should be done.  Most of us are so busy with our lives that spending hours on the computer researching is not something that can be done.  Hearing witty "I told you so" remarks right now pushes' me into hibernation.  I don't want to shut-up.  Rather, I want to help someone not to end up like I have.  The only way I know to help is to relay my newfound information. Thanks !

Monday, September 6, 2010

Frazzled... yes!
Will this three day weekend  (Labor Day) ever end?   While waiting for a phone call from the doctor, who knew so many hours could be in a holiday weekend.  When I was working,  the three day weekends passed by so quickly.  What a difference!  It is now Tuesday 09/07/10 and still waiting for a phone call from the doctor about when I will go in for a biopsy.  I called and left a message... should I remind him that a Type A personality doesn't do "wait" very well?  Finally... it is Wednesday evening and my doctor's office called.  I know that it really wasn't that long to wait, but it seemed like forever!  Tomorrow, Thursday, an appointment is being made with another doctor to do a needle CT biopsy.  This will be scheduled in the next two or three business days.  That runs into Monday...  and Monday is when Allen (brother-in-law) is scheduled for another surgery in the opposite direction of Royal City, at a Wenatchee hospital.  Yes... I must learn patience and to be flexable... I wonder, is that possible at my age? 
Update:  Well, worry over a conflict of my appointments and Allen's was a needless worry.  Still waiting...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The first day of the rest of my life...

August 24, 2010 was a big day for me. Two days before my natural birthday (08/27). I had gone into Dr. Jones to have him order an A1C test (glucose numbers). During the conversation I brought up that I had "another" UTI and did not like the sulfa medicine given me by the Royal City clinic. With that information, as well as other discussion, a CAT scan was ordered of my abdoman as well as a Xray of my sore neck.

August 25, I went into have the CAT and Xray done. Suprise! I received a call from the doctor that same evening stating that there was an abnormality in the scan of my right kidney.  Dr. Jones wanted to discuss it with me the next morning. Good news, my neck is just arthritis... hurts, but I can handle that.

Thankfully, my son (James), his wife (BeeAnna) and my grandson (Brandon) came to the appointment with me. I was given the news that I could have cancer in the right kidney. A MRI was scheduled for the next day (08/26).   The MRI results showed a clearer image of the same abnormality.  Dr. Jones also made an appointment for me with Dr. Ness (Oncologist) on 08/30, and Dr. Chavala (Urologist) 09/02.

Dr. Ness' appointment was just to introduce me to more information and who would be taking care of me after surgery.

On 09/02, Dr. Chavala's appointment... he told me that my right kidney is approximately double the size of my left one. The discoloration is within the kidney. Also, a lymph node is showing signs of being affected. I did not understand whether the doctor was referring to node or node(s). The MRI was not a good image, so Dr. Chavala was going to walk it over to Kadlec Hospital Radiology to get an opinion. While at this appointment a test was completed to view the inside of my bladder. There was no cancer found there. Yes!

This coming week, as soon as can be scheduled, a biopsy of both the node and kidney will be completed. I am not a patient person, want answers now, and of course there has to be a holiday connected to this weekend.

Update:  biopsy is still waiting...

Trying to stay focused...

I am not used "wanting" to sleep the day away. Normally, under stress I go into overdrive; clean, organize, work in the yard, etc. My sister (Gloria) is waiting for me to paint her laundry room again, which is what I did during one of my stress periods a few years ago. While frustrated in this waiting mode, I am trying to focus on prayer, faith and hope. Also, focusing on tasks to keep me busy and focused on what is positive, feeling good about my accomplishments, and sleeping because I am tired. I do not want to waste my days!

If I had to receive this news, it is good that the month is late in the year and gardening was about done anyway. I have such a hard time seeing part of God's beauty dry up and choke from weeds. My personality doesn't allow me to ignore tasks I have set out to complete. That is going to be an issue during this process. I have to develop patience, the ability to prioritize what is important, and listen to advice. And, the big one... I am not always right. Ouch!

Finally... my tomato plants are producing a little. For some reason, Gloria's (sister) yard does not grow vegetables well. Flowers yes, but vegetable plants develop a mold. The plants are beautiful, but the blossoms fall off. Oh well, next year forget the work and go to the farmer's market.